Loneliness

I had a hard time adjusting to being in Ireland when I came back from three weeks in the US in September. Even now, after more than a month to process my discomfort I can’t identify all its components. The US is a highly stimulating place, plus when there I cram every instant into seeing family and friends, working or learning (this time a yoga conference). By the time I arrived home in Ireland I was tired.

But I did not expect reentry to be hard, yet it was. I couldn’t easily relax into enjoyment of the beauty around me. There was too much work to catch up on, yet that work wasn’t satisfying. Nothing was really satisfying. After three weeks I realized that I was lonely. The awareness was pre verbal, and so distressing it was not easy to share. By the time I could say I was lonely out loud the tightness in my gut was dissipating.

Family and friends then came to the rescue, each with a story or a comment which helped me piece the learning out of the distress. First my nephew Brian commented that his friend Michael had felt foreign, or not at ease, in the Philippines for almost five years when he returned there after growing up in the US. My friend Alice asked what I looked for in the friends I wanted to make. After all I could not replace the years of history with people, but I could be cognizant of the qualities I sought in the new friends I wanted to make.

Curiosity, a wide sense of the world, an unconditional acceptance of people the way they are, a caring heart, and a stable demeanor these are the qualities that come to mind. I see that I have already found those in a number of people: Kate with her caring nature and unconditional acceptance or Louise with her curiosity and understanding of the cultures around the world are great examples. Louise’s glamour and entertaining qualities give her friendship an extra plus. Our neighbor Chris who is interesting and astute and adds stability and helps us sort out the world of living in Kinsale, along with Nora who does the same thing in different ways both also contribute to the sense that we are not alone here.

Kate mentioned that she too feels that dissatisfaction, and she is surrounded by people she has known all her life. Folks aren’t living lives where anyone can just call and say "Let’s go and do something right now." Our complex lives require pre arrangement. So this leaves me looking at how I have let my social life down by not feeling comfortable enough to prearrange things with people.

Coming into the holidays this will get easier. Already on our calendars are a Thanksgiving feast at our house, a Christmas party for Tidy Towns, a luncheon with the St. Multose friendship club, a gathering with Kate and Marion. We look forward to a games night and perhaps a crafting afternoon in the New Year.

All of this reminds me of the Girl Scout round: Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.